so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
