i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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