I want to have your abortion
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
