How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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