he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
only you would photoshop your dick
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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