I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
