I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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