I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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