Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I am full of burrito and curiosity
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
