dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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