i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
