so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
