I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Randomize
