Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
