just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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