i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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