I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
