did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
