im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
