i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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