Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
