It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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