Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
