Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
