Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
