You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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