I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
