i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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