Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
