I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
