Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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