im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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