I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
