wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
