It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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