She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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