Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
