There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
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