A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
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