oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
