i may or may not be watching the land before time
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
