they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
