They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
So much Jack, so little girl.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
