I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
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i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
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You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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