what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
