I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
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