I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Mom said you looked used
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
