pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
