I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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