I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
