The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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