I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
