Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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