he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
