I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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