I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
