upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
You ruined the universe
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
