I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
