I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
