I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
