My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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