weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
