I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I can text with my tongue
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
