I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You need Xanax blowdarts
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
