I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize