Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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